"Dude, people will think you were raised on a farm or something."
Oh, my asshole best friends. Say what you want to them (or about them), they will still act like 9 year olds in the times I need them.. Can you blame them? But more on that later..
So today I basically confirmed something I've suspected for a long time.. I really don't want to get into details. I know no one reads this, but I wouldn't take any chances. So excuse me in advance for being so vague.
Basically, I've learned that despite the fact I have all the opportunity in the world, I don't have the freedom to make the once choice that really matters to me. That one choice that comes to define you, to make or break you (in Mosbian terms), I don't get to make. Nope. It's already decided for me. It was decided before I took my first gasp of air with my own little baby lungs. It's been etched into legal writing of the utmost authority, and is almost literally printed on to my very skin.
One quiet winter night in London in 2010, I was laying in my bed lost in the most chaotic, unsettling, distanced train of thought I have ever been in. I remember that petty things like choosing a major for college was fresh on my mind those days as senior year was quickly creeping up. It was all this thought-of-the-future that made me come up to the easily the most depressing, and lonely realization that I've ever had in my life. Everything I do, everyone I meet, every moment I experience is all for nothing, because I'm shackled to this one specific road. No, this one specific escalator. Going downwards. And I have no choice, because if I bail my self out of this 'escalator', the whole damned building that is my life will come crashing down in a pathetic, yet isolated mess.
Sorry for being so dramatic.. I don't expect anyone to understand what I'm talking about. And I'd rather they never, I want to be spared the looks of pity. All I care to say is that this decision is NOT related to my education, my future occupation, where I live, etc. It's much more important than any of that.. But yeah, it was a big, dramatic moment of clarity I had while laying on a crappy uncomfortable sofa-turned-bed in the room of a one-night-stay cramped hotel room near Canary Wharf on the 23rd of December at 3:39am. God, I still remember the feeling I had when I came to the big 'conclusion'. It as if my heart fell into my stomach, yet kept beating frantically till it simply withered away. I've done my best to forget when I learned that night, but this weekend, life decided to be a bitch and smear the truth all over my face.
All I care to say is that I now have concrete proof that I'm trapped. And It fucking sucks.
It fucking sucks to grow up with this idea that sticks with you and comforts you more than any friend or parent could. It's a thought that helps you sleep at night, a hope that drives you through the day. It's malleable, it'll change to be whatever you want it to be, yet at its core it remains the same. That idea becomes you and the very thing that defines you, all your greatest dreams, hopes, plans, aspirations.
And now it has all come crashing down on my head. The very thing I lived for ceased to exist, simply becoming one of the fairy tales one believed as a child. God knows that if I ever had a low point in life, this moment, this 39th minute of the 3rd hour of the 23rd of December was it. It has come to be the bane of my existence. But I still held on this idea by threads until tonight. This weekend, those last threads (or spinal cord) of hope I had for the future were cut, ending any doubts or hopes I had. It fucking sucked. It hurt bad.
Honestly, I have to admit something: It's this dreadful realization about my self that gave me the final push to decide that medicine really is something I want to pursue. I know now that if I'll never get to truly live for the sake my self, I may as well use that as an advantage and live for the sake of others. Now that the silver lining that kept me in touch with a "regular life" is gone, I know I can live that urgent, married-to-the-job life of an M.D. that has always attracted and yet repelled me. It would probably be the best thing I can do now. It's much better than the alternative dreadful lifestyle of the broken-willed man I've seen so many people (who were once just like me) eventually succumb to.
It's funny. All this time, my parents have always been adamant about me (read in indian/desi accent) "becoming a doctor". Now that I've decided I really do want to, and I know how I'm gonna do it once I'm there, it's going to be the one and greatest "FUCK YOU" statement I'll ever make to them. They don't know it yet. The won't know for years. Hell, they may never know at all. Funny how the world works..
To any poor soul that actually read that (though I doubt there is), I really don't expect you to understand ANY of what I was talking about here. You're missing the key piece to this whole thing. Frankly, I'd rather not tell. It's embarrassing, and too personal to ever talk about to all but a couple people, let alone write about on the internet.
I don't know, maybe I'm just being dramatic. Maybe not..
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