I feel like crap, sleep isn't an option, and I'm drowning in work. I've taken all these responsibilities that I can't handle. On top of that, I made a ridiculous fool of myself, and totally lost my composure today. Right now I feel like I'm holding on to my dignity by a few strands. The worst part is that I have to face all the same people again, tomorrow. More on that later..
On another note, I've got a show that I've been left in charge of directing and managing while our executive producer is gone to Australia for the week. It's hell. I can't manage to get 5 people to do their part. We're behind schedule, we're not organized, we lack motivation, and Jeremy and I cannot manage to get most people to do crap.
I put the blame on my self, I mean, what can I expect when I lead with such a soft hand? I've exhibited a total failure of leadership, and it's plain embarrassing. I don't feel like I'm in charge of anything..
To be fair to myself, no one aside from maybe 3 or 4 people wants to do anything. They all lie and make dumb excuses so they can sit by while the rest of us running around, trying to keep the ship that is UTV held together. Jeremy and I argued about how we should spend our time. He says we should put the effort in to making sure everyone is doing or contributing something. Obviously that isn't working, or I wouldn't be writing this. Instead we just run around back and forth, trying to drag everyone back to their job over and over again. I say that we stop spending time trying to babysit everyone and just grab the few serious people we have and do everything ourselves. Jeremy says that is me "taking the easy way out". I don't know if it is easier or harder, but frankly, I don't care. I just want the studio ready to film and broadcast a show by Thursday noon.
I get now that when you're in charge, it's best for you to stay distant from the people you work with. My problem is that I've been trying too hard to be friends with everyone, to make everyone happy. I'm afraid of coming off as a dick.. How pathetic of me. I don't know why I act like such a sycophant all the time. If this show is gonna go anywhere, I've really got to stop that. I guess building a distance is something I'm gonna have to start working at. You think I'd be pretty good at it, seeing all the people I've managed to alienate in my life.
Distance. That something I should probably get better at maintaining if I want to get to where I wanna be in life. I've learned the hard way, time and time again, that you cannot rely on anyone. Friendship means nothing. Humans are naturally scummy, selfish, assholic beings. We're proud, we're arrogant, and we're pretentious. We've created a world where the self-absorbed narcissist are on top, and the charitable die alone. No one appreciates the Good Guy Greg's. We can't ever be relied on to do the right thing. As much as it kills me to say it, Thomas Hobbes is right about human nature. I want to believe in people, but I can't. Distance is the only way to keep yourself from being let down again and again by people.
I read a story on reddit from a man who met this 16 year old homeless girl on the streets. She was sitting on some corner, asking for money, but people would just walk by. So he went up to give her a fiver when he noticed that she not only had a child, but a little infant in her arms. She was a teenage mother. So he immediately took her with him, bought her groceries, diapers, baby formula, etc, and then took her to a diner for some breakfast. While sitting there, he managed to get her to open up about her situation. She explained that when she became pregnant, she stole $5000 from her parents and ran away, as she was scared of being punished. Obviously, the money didn't last very long, and soon she found her self living on the streets with a baby. She hadn't talked to anyone she knew or been home in over a year. So the guy convinces the girl to give him her family's number. He calls up the girls house and talks to her mother, who ends up breaking into a crying fit over the phone after learning her daughter is alive/all right. The guy talks to the girl and her parents, and eventually manages to convince the daughter to go back home, so he buys her a bus ticket and sends her back home to her family who take the girl and her baby in with open arms. That's the story (albeit horribly summarized)
I swear to you, when I read this story, I almost cried. I'm not usually one to get gooey over books or movies, but what I think hit me about this story was that true, pure humanity really exists. People are capable of doing proper, real good without any intention or expectations of receiving something in return. It was empathy at it's finest. But now, all this time later, I realize this story wasn't the rule, but the exception. It was naive of me to think that this story was anything but a statistical anomaly. After all, if anyone has been around and seen how brutal humans can be, I have.
In the spring of 2009, I was in one of the outskirt places of pilgrimage in Saudi Arabia, a mountain called Jabal Al-Nur, or 'The Mountain of Light', where the famous cave of Hira is located. There, at a local tourist rest point, a little group of homeless kids came up to us, begging us for money. They weren't regular kids, though. These kids were all missing body parts, whether is be hands or eyes. And no, these kids weren't born like that. If you've seen 'Slumdog Millionaire', you may be familiar with the practice of gangs kidnapping orphans or poor kids, 'disabling' them through amputation, acid, etc, and then sending them out on the streets to beg in order to bring in revenue for their pimps. I tried to take a picture of the kids so I could show people what was going on when I got back home, but the second I pulled the camera out, the kids reacted and started to hide and cover themselves. I assume their pimps trained them to do that. Eventually, I ended up dangling their equivalent of a hundred dollar bill in front of them, something they couldn't resist. They came out wide open after me while I took pictures. That was basically what was going on at one of the 'most holiest' sites of the country.
It's things like that which make me lose my faith in humanity. Everywhere I've been, whether it is Iraq or Italy, I've seen that that same lack of empathy and humanity in people. One summer in England, I find out that my cousin's roommate was stabbed outside their apartment while he was standing out for a smoke. Another summer, my brother is calling me from Pakistan to tell me that there was a huge bomb blast just blocks from where he was sleeping. The entire world is insane. Don't even get me started on all the fucked up things in America alone.
I know I've gone way off track, but I digress. The point is, you can't rely on people. You can't trust people. People are savages. We're animals who let the chemical and hormonal fluctuations that we call 'emotions' take the best of us. In a world of egotists, narcissists, and animals, the best way you can keep yourself from losing it is to keep yourself distanced from all of it. Just do what you have to do, don't lose yourself in the messy entanglements of life.
I guess what I mean to say is that I've come to realize that you can't have your cake and eat it too. When it comes to UTV, I can't try to be friends with most of these people and then expect them to see me as the guy in charge. When it comes to life, I'm done caring what others think. I'm done being the sycophant who makes requests for people to do their damned part. They either do it or they don't. If they don't want to, them fine by me, they can throw yourself under the bus for all I care, cause that's what I'm gonna end up doing with them..
Frankly, I'm done trying taking your shit. I'm done being your therapist and your diary. I'm done taking all the responsibilities you couldn't or didn't want to carry. I'm done believing in fairy tales.
And I am most definitely done chasing you and your ADHD-laced affections.
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